Life has been interesting in the last 14 months...I lost the one and only love of my life, John Long. I now have my two sons, Alex and Justin, Justin's girlfriend, Ashley, and my two year old granddaughter, Kyla, living with me. Life is never dull - hectic, crazy and no privacy, but never dull.
I can't help but wonder a lot of things lately; some minor, like, what color do I want to paint my bathroom if the landlord will let me? Some major, like, where did John go? Is there a heaven, an afterlife, will I ever see him again? Can he see me, does he know what I'm thinking, is he my guardian angel in some way? Why did we not get to spend more time together as husband and wife? Why was something I waited 21 years for taken from me after only 7 and 3/4 years?
I have learned that "Why" will never be answered for me. I draw comfort in knowing that I had the love and respect of the greatest man I've ever known for a lot more years than some people will ever get. I also know that Kyla will only know her "Papa" from stories that our family passes down to her.
I know that the pain I feel is starting to fade with time. It will never completely leave me, as it is an essential part of who I am now, but it is not the all-consuming, gut wrenching pain it was at the beginning. I find myself these days realizing that I don't remember much about last spring.
I was standing outside the other day and noticed the brightness of the sun, the warmth of the wind as it blew over me, how the clouds looked so beautiful and I realized that the spring of 2009 is just like a distant, far off memory to me. Hazy and unreachable in my mind. I know I was on "auto-pilot" and only living because I had no other choice but to go on.
The spring of 2010 is completely different - I'm alive and starting to question everything I have ever known about this life. I cannot envision my life more than one day at a time. I do have vacations planned, but other than those two occasions, my life is one day at a time. Even one hour at a time, one minute at a time. If I start to think about the future, it takes my breath away. My future was John - not a life without him.
I think he would be proud of the woman I have become since he has been gone. But, without him, I am really not me. He made me smile and laugh and look forward to old age with abandon. Now, I see myself alone, just alone. I can't imagine ever loving someone with the kind of love I had for him. He made me feel safe and that is the one thing I have not felt since the day I lost him. Fear is always in the back of my mind, waiting to take over if I would let it happen. I am scared of my life as a widow, scared of the time I have left in my own life, scared that there will be more days where I can't remember the sound of his voice, the warmth of his breath on my neck, the shine in his eyes when he talked about hunting, or guns, or politics, or our life together when we would sit on our porch and remember days gone by. I can't remember certain details of our days together and it is bothering me a lot lately. I remember the last two days of his life and relive them over and over, day after day. I remember looking into his gorgeous brown eyes and asking if he was scared, as he lay in the hospital bed we had set up in the spare room of our home. I also remember his answer was "No" and he was so at peace with the end of his life coming that it took my breath away, but also gave me the peace and strength I never knew I had in me. Then I remember the last two days - the longest, hardest and most painful two days of my life. Of listening to his life literally fading away, for 48 hours, much of which I did not sleep. Of listening to the complete silence when I knew he was gone.
You take so much for granted in your life and I'm trying so hard to not do that any more. I am starting to enjoy things we used to do together - watching sports, rooting on our favorite teams. I can listen to all of the music we loved. I can watch movies he loved to watch (I was never much a movie person; drove him crazy!), but there are things that even after this long I absolutely cannot do yet; I cannot make myself walk into a Costco store. I cannot make myself buy tickets to a concert that I would go to by myself. I can't stand that I wake up every morning and know that he is not at work, that I can't pick up the phone and hear his gentle voice calling me "Darlin'".
There are so many things I wish I had done differently. I wish I would have taken more pictures of him, more of him with Kyla, more of him with ME. I wish I would have taken more video of him laughing. I wish I could have one more morning of listening to him putter around, make his fried eggs and toast and then kiss me and say "Goodbye" on his way out the door at 6am.
You always wish for more time, that's a given. I certainly do. But, in this last year, I've learned to be oh so grateful for the time we did have together, even the ending. I will never, ever forget one certain thing he said to me in the last week of his life. He said he was so sorry for treating me so badly when we were younger. At the time, I just laughed through my tears and said he had more than made up for it in the last 9 years. But now, given what I know, I was truly a lucky and blessed woman to have had his love and while I can't imagine my life without him in it, I cannot imagine never having had what we did. Losing it has made life much clearer to me.
I know what is important, truly important...living - happiness, family, your soul, your peace of mind. Looking, really looking, at a sunrise or sunset...just seeing the beauty in every second I have left and seeing it all through the eyes of the man I adored.
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